I always wish that things could go back like they were before. But the thing is, I have phrased it wrong. If things were like before, I’d still be clueless and foolish. I wouldn’t know anything. I’d be replaying all that sadness all over again. Re-experiencing it all. And I suppose this is why asking for “things to be like they were before” isn’t a good idea. Because once again, we will have learned nothing. Therefore. We’ll have to learn it again.

i hesitate. i hesitated. why? i’m not sure. the fact that it was part of the past, right? it even marked a day. mouse lingering on the delete button. delete buttons. change everything to ‘only me’. i hesitate. do i want to really close off everything? is this what i really want? or is it just the bold and daring part trying to get the best of me. i suppose it would be better than my desperation to become a clone. get a boyfriend. hipster. hipsterhipsterhipster SWAG. no. fuck that. you see that there? that’s the whole trend around here. will i allow myself to get swept with the current of this giant ocean? perhaps it’s just the song i’m listening to getting to me. perhaps. the feelings i feel. i just don’t know. i look back. no makeup. not ‘pretty’. accepted. then unaccepted. full of happiness. tired with tears. emotions. why things have gone pear-shaped? i really don’t know. maybe for me to realize that i won’t always be accepted. there will be times where you feel small and unworthy. but i look back, and i see a child. i see a happy and naive child. possibly clueless of what may lurk behind the walls. a backstabbing friend, or is it someone who’s ready to cut open your heart. trampling over everything. left empty. sad. hopeless. lost.

outcasted.



like that song by taylor swift, yeah? “the story of us”

I’d tell you I miss you but I don’t know how
I’ve never heard silence quite this loud 


i felt the meaning. because silence is all i’ll be hearing from the people i used to know. people that i have held dear to my heart. they won’t be talking and laughing with me like how it used to be, no.


because all that’s left are bitter-sweet memories and the empty silence between us. 

oh you know.. waiting for that day someone finds this.

i broke down again today. why? my grandma called me and we got on the topic of my mom. she told me in a gentle voice that my mom was probably very proud of me, and loved me only from the inside. and its just. my mom most of the time treats me like shit and she doesn’t acknowledge the good things i do; for example my report card.

i try so hard to impress people, my mom included. and no, i dont friggn ‘ass wipe’ them. i just work harder. i do my best to prove them wrong. most of the time, it’s not a ‘in your face’ sort of thing. it’s kind of like succeeding and just LET it be able for them to see. to see that im not this or that. i try so hard. i want to please everyone, myself as well. for example, i want to make something fantastic. something showy. something extravagant. like a giant painting, or a sculpture.. or make a dress. or just. i don’t know. something that impresses THEM as well as MYSELF. and it’s sort of like. im usually a background character..

i want to stand out sometimes too. in the good way, of course. and i want to stand out because of something that i did, not because my best friend is pretty, popular, funny, and awesome. i don’t want to be just that shadow. i want to be something more. 

well. it’s like. i try so hard to impress my mom in that way i just described up there, it’s like it’s not enough. she doesn’t even notice it. i try so hard and get so frustrated. she hardly cares. it conflicts me because i just want to drop the whole thing and fucking cry in a hole and not give a shit anymore, but at the same time i want to strive for something better. something to just make everyone go “wow that’s so cool” and be amazed or you know.. yeah. 
so when my grandma was like “she’s probably really happy for you inside” i just started tearing up and crying quietly, still answering my grandma but in one worded answers because i was afraid that my voice would fail me and it would sound all strained and shit, and she’d be like “don’t cry” and i’d friggn cry and she’d know and its just.. i felt so alone. i went through it alone. and no one knew what i was going through. and when she hung up, i just started sobbing and just. it was the hardest i’d cried in like a bit. since it’s usually hidden, the other times i cried were more held back. i sobbed quietly, to keep it a secret. but since no one was home, i just cried. i sobbed. i just sat on my bed and cried. then i fell asleep.
i fell asleep crying.



what a day.




PS: i guess i’m okay now.. but its just. im really just not looking forward to many things anymore. school mondays especially.. 

i wish someone would care. i wish someone could see through my window. step in my shoes. open my book.. 

but it’s not like that, now is it. 

i think im in some depression stage. fucking. holy crap, i don’t even know. like right now im upset. fucking upset at everything. life feels grey and dull. fucking. best friends dont text back. shit feels shitty. and fucking everything’s shitty. art. haha. how the FUCK do i express art, where even my parents restrict where i do it. i hate carpet. fucking carpet. see how screwed up i am? im fucking mad at carpet. i hate homework. fucking homework. why can’t i just be free. i hate school. i hate my friends. ‘friends’. i dont want to do shit. im feeling things that words can’t explain. and for some weird depressing reason, it started from this really sad anime. yeah. like wtf. k cuz like, this girl’s dead and the group of friends just split up and stopped talking to eachother for 10 years and shit changes and everyone’s crying and just its so hard. and it sounds silly that i got upset over it.. but it’s portrayed like what a typical event would be like if you had a tight knit group of friends, and suddenly and accident occurs to make you loose them all. and not talk to them for a long period of time, or well. forever. and this ghost girl, who just wants everything back.. and she has to reincarnate and stuff like that.. it makes me think.. what if i died. would all my so called friends think about me? would something like this happen? well. it just. i dont know. and its just so sad. friends who used to be friends arguing and disagreeing and just its just a glomp of depression put into an anime and it makes me wish i had a group of friends when i was little. it makes me wish that things can get  better. and just.. it was just sad when she had to pass away after they achieved her wish and stuff.. and in the end where everyone sort of grew up.. it was just so fucking depressing. which brings me around the topic to how my childhood was.. how we’re all fucking growing up.. forgetting things.. soon to death.. FUCK. im fucking depressed. or sad. or upset. i dont know. fucking. everything feels shitty. i dont want to do shit. my best friend could probably care less because all she thinks about is this boy and fucking SHIT. just. fucking shit. i dont even. guilty as i am saying that it’s all she cares about, it feels like it. and she has other friends. im a backup plan. she might not say it, but i always sit in the back of her head. yes, im there. but she only needs all that surface stuff. her friends over there. her best friends. everything feels shitty. why can’t i just move away. focus on art. fanart. pictures. landscapes. fucking. UGH. i wish for so much that feels so hard to achieve. 






FUCK. i hate all of this.  

i think i just starve myself because i’m unhappy with myself. i feel like a failure. and it frustrates and upsets me when my mom doesn’t appreciate or acknowledge the things i try to do. and she doesn’t even see what i’m going through. she can’t even understand..

   I really don’t know what this is. It’s sort of like this sad feeling. Like a ‘without-a-purpose’ feeling. I feel empty.. Like, I feel like I should do something, but I can’t or I just don’t know what I want to do. And just. Well, I guess THAT part isn’t depression. Or maybe it’s not depression at all. Maybe it’s too cliche to say you’re ‘depressed’ or ‘sad’. I feel more like lost and pointless. I feel like my life was nothing but a stupid game, a game that I can never win. I’m looking back now.. And everything seems to be a haze.
   Like, you know that sunlight glare you get? It’s like that. Like that old fashioned stuff. The whole ‘back in the day’ thing. I remember school.. All the stupid fun times I had. I look so naive. Stupid. I feel so stupid. I look so weird. Did I really do all that? I was oblivious to so many things. Rules, social class, grades, and other stuff like that. Things that I see clearly now. I used to look at people, and judge them. Now, all I do is avoid everyone’s eyes. I still judge people, I admit. But now, I seem to care less. I try to care less. Because no one cares about this quiet girl now. The once bubbly, loud, violent, noisy, rude, over-excited child is no more. It seems sort of nostalgic.. Looking back at myself. Bittersweet. I wanted to go back to how things used to be. But now, haha. Now is a never. I can never go back. No matter how bad it sits in my stomach, no matter how heavy my heart will get, I can’t go back. There’s no such thing as “going back” because nothing is the same. Chemical change, in science term I guess. The comparison is quite similar. A change of a substance that can’t be reverted back. Creates a new substance. I guess that would be me. And other people as well. Me mixed with new changes = new product. Irreversible as well. I’ve changed so much.. I can’t even express myself freely. I feel like a loser. A fucking pathetic loser. My best friend.. She’s having her own troubles. I can’t even help her. And she’s not even willing to let someone in and help. She’s always just like “whatever” or “I’m done lol. She probably as other friends she can rant to anyways. I’ve practically lost my seat beside her as ‘best friend’. Tossed in the back of the box like an old sock monkey.

And wow. I just lost what I wrote.. stupid tumblr. now i’m too tired for capitals and grammar and shit. and what i wrote before. i was fucking teary eyed. i was friggn typing into this blank box about how i wanted to fit in. to be fucking pretty and popular like everyone else. to feel like how i was back in elementary when everyone was friends and we were all happy and no one cared about much. but no. i got dropped off that train miles ago, and now im just following this stupid rusty old train track on this desolate dry plain. fucking. i hate this so much.

i try so hard to be happy. i want to be happy so bad. because im just wasting my life moping about shit like this. and i want to be cheerful and full of bliss. i feel like that only a few times a month.. or a year now. i never wake up and smile and say oh my god today’s gunna be awesome im gunna hang out with my friends and go to the mall and laugh and stuff..
   no. god dammit. it’s not fucking like that. and i wish it was. so bad. so fucking bad. and i just wish i have someone i can fucking trust. a real peer. someone who can actually see it through my window. and i do have a friend i go to every day. but she’s not a best friend. i hardly trust her. she’s just someone i have around. i feel awful saying this but it’s the truth. cold hard truth. she’s not my best friend. she’s not what i want. she’s not. and im just going to be an ungrateful bitch about it because she never understands what i feel and how i see it because it’s like. we’re from different social popularity classes. she never experienced anything like i have, she’s just hit the shallow end. 

   i just.. i want to be happy. i want someone who can understand me. i dont want to be around people who’ll judge me, whether it’s in their head, out loud, or behind my back. and i try so hard to not let things like this get to me, but it’s hard to hold up 3 buckets full of water with only 2 hands. i try so hard not to take things to heart, but i do. i try so hard not to care if someone judges me, or anything like that. but i do care. i fucking care. and i fucking hate being weak.


and i want someone to love me.





and i hate that too.











the ‘want’ to be loved. to rely on someone. and you know why i hate that feeling?




because i HAVE no one to rely on. no one i want to rely on. and no one that wants me. or atleast, not the one im looking at. he sure wouldn’t want me.



and i hate all of this. i hate it.









to love but not be loved in return.






fuck.

   Something just doesn’t feel right. I don’t really know what, either. Honestly, I don’t even know if I should be typing grammatically correct, or just typing like a unpunctual loser. Like, I sort of feel like it, but then it feels better to type properly. But I’m just confused. And just a while ago, I had SO much on my mind that I wanted to rant about but now my head seems blank. But I know something’s wrong.. 

   I was just lying down in my bed. I didn’t know what to do. But something felt wrong. Maybe because I didn’t feel accepted? Like. Okay, so, just recently, (like really recently) I’ve been wearing makeup. Just like the past 3 days, but today was the FIRST day I’ve worn it to school. It sort of made me nervous, like, how someone would see me as. That plain old girl who’s quiet and sort of ugly and anti-social is suddenly wearing makeup. And for those few days before, I was really excited. I was excited last week, like “finally, I’ll feel like I’m part of something. Something pretty.” Like I feel like I’m actually pretty. In my eyes. And I judge myself a lot.. And I felt happy. But my mom being her unsupportive self, kept talking about how it was bad for me. It was like she was saying that I was ugly, when I thought I looked nice. And it sort of feels like she DID say it, even if it was indirect. No matter how strong I try to be, everything gets to me. Those little tiny things, yeah. They get to me. And I think it over too much too. And I’d just feel screwed over and ugly by the end of the day. And when my mom said that, I was really upset. But I kept a cool demeanor. It’s because she constantly seems to show her dislike towards the way I look. So it’s like she can’t even like me one way or the other. Normally, I would be all like fuck it and just ignore it. But she’s my friggn mother for goodness’ sake. Wouldn’t I be saying something like “If you really loved me you wouldn’t judge me for who I want to be?” Like. My dad, he was okay with it. He didn’t complain. In fact, he said that “no matter how expensive that makeup is, I’ll buy it for you.” And that was pretty important to me. It felt like I was taking a big step, you know? And it was my first time buying makeup. And with makeup, is like a shell of confidence that coats your face. Sounds sorta weird, but it’s true. Knowing that you look okay, that you YOURSELF have accepted yourself and just like, know that it’s possible for you to look GOOD, it gives you some confidence. But this was my first time, and I feel like I have no one to rely on to talk about things like this.
   But as I was saying, because I was wearing makeup, I felt like I could fit in. And I even posted a profile picture of myself that I thought looked pretty nice. But I barely have any likes on it.. And ugh, this just makes me look like a shallow pathetic attention whore, really. But I just wish people would look at it, and like it. Because for me, it’s like they SUPPORT what I look like. It honestly makes me feel a whole shitload better. And no matter how many times I have told myself that I won’t give a fuck about what people think, I really do. So when like only 3 people ‘liked’ the picture, I was sort of you know. I felt like I wasn’t actually noticed, and I still don’t fit in. Still an outcast. And there’s no one I can even rant to about how I feel.
   And about the “I have no one I can rant to”.. Yes. I have friends, but they’re not the people I feel like I can rant to really openly. A good friend of mine, I can’t even tell her. It just doesn’t feel right, if I really did. And my other friends don’t even reply to my facebook messages. I’ve lost contact with people. My friend circle has distanced, and I know that. But what can I do? I’m not that same person anymore. They’re not that same person before. You can try as hard as you can to try and win them back, but time will never turn back for you. It will never tick back. And because time listens to no one, the memories that it keeps in the past will forever be there. Even if everyone had amnesia, it’d still be there, just that no one would ever know. And well actually.. If everyone HAD amnesia, then they wouldn’t even remember that we were friends. So….. But anyways, like. What I’m saying is that.. My old friends that I had kept dear to me are now no longer there for me. They might say it, but everything’s just different now. What appears to be true may actually NOT be true. But I truly miss them. I really do. It hurts me that they probably don’t really care. They might be thinking “what’s past is the past”, but what they don’t realize is that I’ve always thought of them. I have. Because nothing feels right. Nothing here, and nothing WILL feel right if I go back. I’m stranded between 2 things. Stranded in the middle, because now I don’t fit anywhere. My place in Vancouver and in Surrey is constantly changing their jigsaw puzzle, and I’ve been running back and forth between the two of them.. When I moved to Surrey, I didn’t exactly feel the need to fit in. I always wanted to go back, and I tried to keep fitting back into that puzzle, but it was already slowly closing up. You could see the place where I’d fit, and it still looks like I’d fit, but it’s just simply that I CAN’T. So then when I try to go fit into Surrey and the people there, It’s like.. Plenty of open space. But then I’m alone. No connections. Just a puzzle piece in a blank empty space in the center of nowhere. So I cross borders again, and then back. And then again, and then back. And by now, my place in Vancouver has began to shrink and close off. My place in Surrey has begun to take shape, and I’m starting to not fit into that blank space anymore. Now let’s fast forward to now again. Stranded in the middle. With no place to go. I really don’t know who to rely on, or what to do. I’m clueless. And right now, I don’t even know what to do. I feel lost. Outcasted. Forgotten. I feel like such a depressing person.. In fact, I don’t even feel like going to school tomorrow. I don’t want to deal with life. And part of me knows that’s a bad thing to do/say, but another bigger part of me.. It just doesn’t care. It doesn’t want to care. It just wants to run away. And I feel pathetic because of that. I feel like crying too, but I can’t. Is this what an internal conflict is? Feeling conflicted with yourself.. Wanting to make a change but then rejecting it?
   And also.. I have one last string of hope left. My best friend. She’s been the only one who’s been keeping in contact with me. Although we don’t talk a lot.. I still consider her my best friend. But maybe because I feel so insecure.. Maybe because I felt so insecure LATELY.. I just feel like. She doesn’t really want to talk to me anymore. I know she’ll say it’s not true. But she has her own life to live. Or well. She HAS a life. I’m just. I don’t really have a social life. While her on the other hand.. She has enthusiastic, pretty, funny friends. And me? What am I? I’m just.. Different from that. I don’t exactly consider myself the good kind of different that people would like. And now, it’s like I have to consider things before I even tell her. And sometimes, I can’t even think twice about telling her something because I really miss her. And I NEED someone to talk to. I’m practically WISHING for people to talk to. But then I mentally slap myself for being a wimpy geeky loser. I’m begging. For people to talk to. I feel like a lowlife. And just.. Because I feel like I can’t even TALK to her anymore.. I can’t even discuss all this lost confusion I’m feeling.

I feel so alone. 
    

And old feelings.. New feelings.. I just. Right now, I’m even forgetting what I’m thinking about. There’s just so many different feelings. Okay. Review. I feel like something’s (i quote myself) “utterly wrong”. And I began talking about makeup because I wanted to fit in. And then.. Yeah okay now I know how to start this.. Haha.. Well.
   I wanted to wear makeup because I wanted to belong to something, to feel wanted and pretty. And I wanted to have friends, to be liked by people. Like, those popular people.. When they talk to you, they make you feel like you’re WORTH something, because THEY’RE WORTH something. That’s because they’re nice to talk to, and friendly, and you know. All that other stuff that attracts a crowd of people to admire them. And it’s just this craving I get. To crave for that popularity, to crave that attention, to crave the feeling of acceptance among people. 
   And not just that, it’s also the confidence factor. Like I said waay above, I feel like makeup is a protection.. Something that makes me look better, thus giving me confidence to talk to people and be more out there. But I’m not sure.. Maybe it is, or maybe because makeup is still a pretty new thing to me, it’s making me nervous and holding me back instead. Fear of rubbing it off.. Ruining it.. It’s like breaking apart my wall of safety.. And really.. This wall of confidence. This artificial beauty.. It makes me feel good about myself. It makes me think like, I can actually be pretty enough to be liked. And the thing about ‘old feelings.. new feelings..’ yeah.. that.. It’s like. I like this guy, yes? Yes. And I feel like I can’t live up to his expectations.. And the feeling of NEEDING to live up to it, it just looks pathetic. But still, I want to do it. I want to be pretty enough. To be a possible candidate.. But I know that it’s going to be hard. I just can’t.. I don’t know. And just recently, like last week.. I just. I don’t know, after seeing the last person I liked.. It really hurt seeing him again. I mean, so much happened.. But I wasn’t in the picture. I was really hurt, but yet, it was like I wouldn’t matter to him anyways. But yet, I feel that awful nagging feeling, that I’m STILL thinking about him. I just want to get over him already. Maybe that’s why I’ve been crushing on this other guy. But still. I don’t know what to do. And I just.. I’m lost. 




I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I really don’t know what to do or where to go anymore. I just want to get things over with. Maybe it’ll all be better tomorrow.. And I just feel so much better ranting to a blank page. And about ranting on tumblr.. I don’t get why people choose to rant to random people they don’t know. I just don’t quite get it. Is it for attention? Just telling someone you don’t know..? I mean look at geeky ole me.. Ranting to a big fat no one.  


Haha. I actually feel kind of better.. KIND OF.




-bye. 

   I know I should move on from the past, but I just can’t. I’ve lived there for so long. It was such a small world for me, and I’m still homesick. I miss them all. But they don’t miss me at all. They hardly remember me. They don’t even try to talk to me. I talk to a few random people from then.. But none of my old best friends talk to me anymore. I try and try and try but I can never get back what we used to have. And I never will. I’m not even joking around when I say ‘never’. You can’t get the same feeling as you did before because it was the past and now is the present. Things have changed and they’re different. Way different. They don’t even make an effort to reply or talk to me. I’m trying so hard, really. They don’t remember me. Sometimes it’s like I offer them something and they take it and share it with others and leave me out of it. I hate that feeling. It’s like I have no one to trust now. I’m always reminiscing and stuff but it’s not helping. It hurts me emotionally.. And no one knows. Not even my closest best friend.. In fact, we haven’t talked for a while now. And I just can’t find people to understand me anymore. Back in the days, I would have friends who’d listen to me and laugh with me and all. Now I’m alone. No one pays attention to me or what I say. Maybe it’s just because I’ve gone dull. Or maybe since I decided to give up on love and shit since it was giving me problems, I’m getting friendship problems because I’m focussing on that now. I really don’t know. And I’m telling this empty blog about it. It feels better just ranting online than to people who don’t really care. I can’t even keep friends anymore. I feel like crying so bad but I just can’t. 



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